The far,
faint possibility of some assistant secretaryship to some statesman
in office; really nothing else. His inquiries had apprised him of
this delightful state of things, but he had not cared. Now he did
care. He was beginning to understand himself better.
In truth, he had never looked forward beyond a year or two.
Ambition, desires, he possessed in no common degree, but as a vague,
unexamined impulse. He had dreamt of love, but timidly, tremulously;
that was for the time to come. He had dreamt of distinction; that,
also, must be patiently awaited. In the meantime, labour. He enjoyed
intellectual effort; he gloried in the amassing of mental riches.
"To follow Knowledge like a sinking star
Beyond the
utmost bound of human thought--"
these lines were frequently in his mind, and helped to shape his
enthusiasm. Consciously he subdued a great part of himself, binding
his daily life in asceticism. He would not live in London because he
dreaded its temptations. Gladly he adhered to his father's
principles in the matter of food and drink; this helped him to
subdue his body, or at least he thought so. He was happiest when,
throwing himself into bed after some fourteen hours of hard reading,
he felt the stupor of utter weariness creep upon him, with certainty
of oblivion until the next sunrise.
He did not much reflect upon the course of his life hitherto, with
its false starts, its wavering; he had not experience enough to
understand their significance.
Pages:
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73