Out of four hundred pounds, two hundred were already given
away--for he had no serious expectation that his brothers would
repay the so-called loans. Plainly it behoved him to be frank on
this subject. Affectionate loyalty to his father had ever been a
guiding principle in Piers Otway's life; he was uneasy under the
sense that he had begun to slip towards neglectfulness, towards
careless independence.
He would have written this morning, but, after all, it was better to
wait until he had settled the doubt which made havoc of his days. At
heart he knew that he would not present himself for the Civil
Service examination; but he durst not yet put the resolve into
words. It seemed a sort of madness, after so many months of
laborious preparation, and the fixity of purpose which had grown
with his studious habit. And what a return for the patient kindness
with which his father had counselled and assisted him! He thought of
Daniel and Alexander. Was he, too, going to drift in life, instead
of following a steadfast, manly course? The perception and fear of
such a danger were something new to him. Piers had seen himself as
an example of moral and intellectual vigour. His abandonment of
commerce had shown as a strong step in practical wisdom; the
fourteen hours of daily reading had flattered his pride. Thereupon
came this sudden collapse of the whole scheme. He could no longer
endure the prospects for which he had toiled so strenuously.
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